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  1. #1
    Saraneth is offline Amateur Gamer
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
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    126

    Icon1 Relics and Ruins

    This is my first story in FRI, and it's on a topic that has intrigued me for a long time - Blackspore Swamp. This is just one quick scene from (hopefully!) a whole story, and I've dropped you right in the middle of a conversation between two main charachters, Saraneth Azerak and Donovan Shadeweaver.

    Saraneth is Queen Valerian's Official Historian, and Donovan is the head of a bunch of bandits in Blackspore Swamp.


    “May I tell you the truth, pixie?” Donovan said, looking at me with a calculating air
    I smiled slightly and tried not to look as frightened as I really was. “I had hoped you had been doing that all along, sir.”
    He gave a short laugh, but then was serious again. “I don’t like your kind very much, Miss Azerak. Most Pixies I’ve known tend towards…instability. Don’t honor a contract. That’s why, until now, the only pixie I do business with is the Queen.”
    I knew that the Queen had hired Donovan to hunt for relics, but I was one of the few who did. “So she’s the whole reason you’re here?”
    He grinned sardonically. “What, you think I hang out in a noxious, muddy swamp for my own amusement? Her Majesty--as well as her strangely-winged wizards,” he jerked his chin towards the druids gathered around a campfire, “pay me nicely for precursor relics. And silver, of course, although I’ve had trouble making money on that, what with the ghosts and so on.”
    “Yes, your letter did say something about ghosts.”
    He scratched the back of his head in mild agitation. “I wish it was just ghosts. Lately, it’s just been one thing after another. The ghosts scaring away my miners were only the beginning; next it was ninjas attacking relic shipments, plus there’s some funny business going on with some will-control artifact which that wizard, Illya, will tell me nothing about, and to top it all off, my useless scout Darcy tells me Mire’s Edge is sinking into the lake.”
    “From your letter, I couldn’t tell exactly why you wanted me here. I’m a historian, and I can’t placate spirits, stop magical brainwashing, or prevent your settlement from sinking, and I certainly can’t fight ninjas. The only reason I came was because you offered me money just to show up.”
    “And indeed I did. Rumor!” he called out the door. A slim blond woman who I had seen stalking around earlier poked her head in. “Rumor, get the pixie her payment.” He appeared to reconsider, and said “No, on second thoughts, Rumor, get her double her payment.” She nodded once and went away.
    “I know I might be taking you out of your depth. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned the hard way, it’s that here in Blackspore, it’s all about the past. That blasted great wall there reminds me every time I look south. Here, history doesn’t stay locked up in books. It tries to kill you. I need you to tell me about the history of this swamp, because I think if I know why these things are happening,then I can figure out how to stop them. That is why you’re here.”

    This is just a start. Please tell me whether you like it, and how I can improve it. I'm also open to ideas for things that could happen. Looking forward to feedback!

  2. #2
    RandomPlayer's Avatar
    RandomPlayer is offline Master Gamer
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    Jul 2009
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    Default Re: Relics and Ruins

    Excellent! Of course, the beginning of a story is very important. If you reveal too much in the beginning, not much curiosity will drive your readers toward the end. Your vocabulary and grammar (and the fact that you actually used italicized font instead of all capitals) are certainly none to complain about. If I were you, however, I would proofread it occasionally, at moments when you think about your writing the least. That way you can catch tiny typos that you may have left, such as the missing period in the first sentence. If you dwell on the writing just before reading it, you'll scan the text rather than thoroughly search it, which is not your intention when proofreading.
    Status: Quit FR since I never liked FR at all. Will probably not post anymore.

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