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  1. #1
    The Painbringer's Avatar
    The Painbringer is offline Master Gamer
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    Default Prologue-Critiques Welcome

    I am working on my first novella which I would like to call,"Paladin"

    This is not just another book thread getting started on FRI, I just want critiques on my intro.

    This takes place in a mystical past, where three factions fight for a power labeled by many as,"The Paladin" which can only be achieved when all 9 shards are together. Each faction has one, and the others remain in temples hidden by their protectors. One faction fights for the power to end war and violence, one fights for the rights of their factions citizens, and one fights for bloodlust and power.


    Prologue

    Some of the greatest generals are the biggest cowards. They can hide from raids and take the back of the line as soldiers, and just because they saw what they couldn’t bear to do gets them a high horse and a letter of approval from the emperor. The emperor himself couldn’t cut a finger with a broadsword. And yet he takes the throne.

    I never waited for a draft for the Guard of the Peoples Peace, or the GPP. I figured if you want something done right do it yourself. But apparently that rule doesn’t apply to the Great Knights of the Guard, who would prefer to watch the war from a distance. We were expendable, useless, and if anything not even worth the iron helmet given to us at the beginning of training.

    Not all Knights were bad, however. The bravest man I have ever known was a Knight. He was prepared to give his life for his people, and give his life he did. Barry was his name, as no one in the GPP was allowed to reveal his surname. He had stared down the face of death and shook hands with the devil, time and time again. It would be soon to catch up with him.

    I was the kind of little brother nobody wanted, but Barry treated me like I was handed to him as a gift from God. “Little Boar” he would call me, for my wild personality and lack of controllability. But I would always take orders from him. Maybe if I didn’t, maybe if I just stayed in line, he would still be here to tell you himself……
    Last edited by The Painbringer; 07-28-2011 at 09:49 PM.
    Before you insult someone, walk a mile in their shoes
    That way, your a mile away and you have their shoes


  2. #2
    Kelvin64's Avatar
    Kelvin64 is offline Master Gamer
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    Default Re: Prologue-Critiques Welcome

    Wow. This is excellent! Keep writing, maybe you'll get this published one day!

  3. #3
    kiperrr's Avatar
    kiperrr is offline Master Gamer
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    Default Re: Prologue-Critiques Welcome

    Nice beginning! This seems to have the general feel of several other books I have read, but that is my only concern. Other than that, it sounds pretty cool!

    Kiperrrful (AKA Kiperrr, Kippy, Kipster, Kip)
    IGN: Kiperrrful Server 4

  4. #4
    deving1's Avatar
    deving1 is offline Pro Gamer
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    Default Re: Prologue-Critiques Welcome

    awesome beggining!
    Makarov...knows....Yuri...-Soaps last words.

  5. #5
    darkmagic96's Avatar
    darkmagic96 is offline Explorer
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    Default Re: Prologue-Critiques Welcome

    I really enjoyed reading that! I can't wait to see what comes next!

  6. #6
    Tommy0327's Avatar
    Tommy0327 is offline Pro Gamer
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    Default Re: Prologue-Critiques Welcome

    This is a good story and it's only the beginning with more to come it's original creative and a little bit descriptive! Like it!
    - Tommy0327
    Spoiler: show
    Actually wrapped in a spoiler but still awesome!

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