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  1. #1
    ninjablade2000's Avatar
    ninjablade2000 is offline Master Gamer
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    Default From this point of view.

    I just wanted to give realistic writing a go, haha, probably won't do very well but we're focusing on this type of thing at school so I wanted to see what you people think. I need constructive criticism, you'd really help me cause I want to improve. ^^


    C.1 Broken.
    Spoiler: show
    My whole life was going to fall into loads of stupid, unrepairable pieces. My Mum was round there now, probably in tears. I mean, you have a fallout, you get your friend back again. You trip up, the skin grows back. You get picked on, you get over it. But this big incident resulted in the fact that by this very time next week, my sister will probably be dead. Wasn't her fault she got his by a Lemonade Wagon. If it was a car, she'd be fine. But her entire leg has been flattened, and she'll probably loose it before she dies. The second someone flips the Life Support switch, the girl will be dead. She was an awesome sister, but right now she'd do better than she's doing with a pancake for a lower body and a stick for a left leg. She was lucky the truck didn't roll over her gut or something. I was never drinking Lemonade again. All I'd see was blood and innards. Yes, I'd seen her lying unconscious on the road.

    I was remembering that last day, the fourth week of the summer holidays, on a Thursday.

    "Hey, Rhia, I'm gonna go grab some milk. Want some sweets or something? Mum says we can have four quid shared between us." My sister, Tulia Partson smiled, showing the money in her palm as proof she wasn't fooling me. She never did lie to me. She was awesome. Tulia was 14 and I was 13. We both had the same light brown hair and deep green eyes.
    "Alright, how about we share a Galaxy bar between us..." I tapped the corner of my mouth, trying to think which sweets I'd want. "You pick!" I laughed, and Tulia smiled.
    "That means we'll have about £2.40 to share between us. £1.20 each!" She decided.
    "See you in a bit!" I smiled. Oh god, how wrong was I. I wasn't ever going to get to see her until later in the evening. When she'd be lying in a hospital dying. Nice thoughts, I know.

    Mum began to worry about Tulia after she'd been gone for half an hour. She reckoned she'd be with her friends. But the knock on the door from a policeman and the urgent look in his eyes told Mum she should be very worried.
    "Ma'am." The policeman said sorrowfully. "But your daughter has been seriously injured. Knocked by a truck, I'm afraid Ma'am."
    Mum shrieked.
    "You what?!" Mum shouted.
    "I advise you to remain calm, Ma'am. We just want you with her when we take her to hospital. By law she's too young to be carried so far to stay by her own..." The Officer said. "And we're sorry to add that we don't think she'll make it."
    Mum, once she'd gotten to the middle of the road, burst out in tears.
    "Tulia!" She gasped, running towards my sister.
    "Don't touch!" Shouted a grouchy paramedic.
    I backed off, sickened by the state she was in.

    I just didn't know why it had to be Tulia. Why not me? These weren't thoughts to think. The hospital was coming into steady sight. Somewhere inside that building, Tulia was hanging on. Dad was looking grim.
    "Stay outside, kiddo." He murmured. "She's in a state not suitable for your eyes."
    I lay my head back and cried more, not wanting to go inside. Not ever.
    hello



  2. #2
    Skylär51's Avatar
    Skylär51 is offline Master Gamer
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    Default Re: From this point of view.

    Oh wow... This is great, Ninja! ^.^ I don't have any criticism, I just think it's epic.

    "In a land of myth, and a time of magic… the destiny of a great kingdom rests on the shoulders of a young boy. His name… Merlin."





  3. #3
    Leocuta's Avatar
    Leocuta is offline Master Gamer
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    Default Re: From this point of view.

    It's good, i'd suggest that you perhaps use more descriptive adjectives. Like, in the first line you say "Stupid" instead you could say "Reckless" or another word.
    Anyone need anything Boys Only, Combat or anything else except Girls Only PM me

  4. #4
    Yoshinator's Avatar
    Yoshinator is offline Master Gamer
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    Default Re: From this point of view.

    Skyyy where have you been!?


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  5. #5
    Yoshinator's Avatar
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    Default Re: From this point of view.

    Awesome btw Ninja


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  6. #6
    ninjablade2000's Avatar
    ninjablade2000 is offline Master Gamer
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    Default Re: From this point of view.

    Oki ty, Sky and loads of others are on Skylighters. (:
    hello



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