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  1. #1
    Flablo's Avatar
    Flablo is offline Amateur Gamer
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    Default Just another Artist In the making..

    I have started this story on a different story, but I really don't like some of the people there, so I decided to bring it over here..


    DO NOT EDIT MY STORYS CONSTANTLY. THIS IS MY FIRST POST, NOT EDITED EXECPET FOR SPELLING MISTAKES BECAUSE I JUST POST SOME THEN LEAVE.

    I'm still an artist In the making.

    Hey there, obviously Art Interests you. well, sadly, I can't draw - but Writing Is a clear art to me. I love to write, more of a hobby then a profession. I find myself to be pretty good, but I doubt thats true. please leave feedback and use the form at the bottom of the post, perhaps? To tell me what I need to Improve / simmer down? Thanks.

    Sincerely yours,

    Flablo.


    -

    I'm not sure If you've ever heard of me, I live In a small cave off the caves off of Florida. I will never come out In the day, and I eat whatever I can get my hands on. My name Is Ikglak Frigenstien. At least that's what the Wizard calls me.

    My name Is Daiken; and this Is my story.


    Please Ignore the following Until I say - this needs to be edited and will be part of the ending.

    A soft creature; no larger then the average horse, stepped out of the cave. his name Is Daiken. he has paws like a gryphons; Talons and all. but the build of a horse. his Wings are not Fluffy; the are Majestic and large, much like the Dragons - and a horn like a unicorn. his tail Is long, like a wolfs. His fur Is not matted, but gently brushed every morning by the small fairys. Vines growing down from his horn are Easily Visible, they seem to cover most of his body & Markings. Baby blue eyes seem to put together this figure Completely, "Good morning, Young Prince." A soft fairys spoke, her voice ringing out like Silk. "You have a busy day," The Fairy pointed out, and Daiken nodded. "Yes, How Is the Western mountains doing?" Daiken questioned, The Fairy replied after taking In what he had said. "There doing fine, but the Lions are killing off the Deers. the Eastern herd Is safe, the hunters have left. The Southern lake Is beginning to freeze over, while the Villagers seem to be staying In the northern town." "Very Good, Sian." Daiken smiled at the small Fairy, who was only the size of a child. She was still growing; but very beautiful. Daiken approached the edge of the small hill; that over looked the Southern lakes. If you stood atop the cave, you could easily see the Northern Village and the Peek of the mountains If the clouds we're high enough. the Eastern Herd was Hidden In the woods; therefore not Visible. Daiken sighed, shaking his head at the Villagers. "Burning down more of the forest will kill the animals, they should not be doing this. Sian, go get the Northern fairys to take care of this. Be back by tomorrow." Daiken Nodded as the Fairy left, as If he had accomplished something - the slight issues with Daiken Is he never liked to be bossed around. he never liked to take suggestions, and never, NEVER does he Admit he's wrong. Daiken, all In all, was a pretty poor leader. This story Is revolved around him, however, but because I can not reveal what happened, You will have to keep going.

    Kay, you can start paying attention now..

    Prologue
    A new Beginning


    A small mare laid In the back of a cave; covered in darkness. after a few hours, a stallion approached the cave and carefully entered "My, my, Left alone again, Nefere?(Nah-fear)" The Stallion questioned, chuckling. "No, not quite alone, what are you doing here, Requizen?"(Re-quiz-in - don't ask where I come up with these names, there the first thing that pop Into my head) The Mare nickered, standing up weakly. "What do you mean by, Not quite?" Requizen stood, puzzled he carefully made his way over to a newborn foal. "He Is not like the others, he will not Fit In. we must get rid of him." Requizen quickly added before Nefere could say anything. "No, Requizen. he's mine. Hes Ours. I love him-" Requizen Interrupted rather harshly "Nefere! WE must get rid of him! Before he's killed. Go! Now! Into the woods, we can get rid of him there," "But he's the PRINCE!" Nefere nickered, stamping her hoof on the ground as she stared Into the eyes of her loved one. "I can't believe you, Requizen, I trusted you. and you do nothing about or son. He's ours, We can't choose the way he's made!" "Nefere, I understand but over reacting won't help! Do you want to be banished from this herd?" Nefere paused, Taking In a large breath she began to speak, a slight shake to her tone "No.." "Then we shall leave him In the forest tonight. someone will be kind enough to take him, Give him a name, Dear." Requizen said, nudging her gently. "He will be called Daiken." "Daiken?" "Yes, Daiken. It means 'Loved one'." "Are you sure? Not a normal name?" "Hes not Normal, hes different. and thats what makes him special. We can leave him with the fairys, Requizen, we both know that we cannot have any more kids after this. the Fairys will begin to question If we're careful or not with the young children, We've already had five. four of them we're eaten... Daiken may be our only hope," Requizen frowned at Nefere's words. she was right. "We will leave him with the Fairys. She...they, will raise Him as there own. We'll go tonight," Requizen smiled only gently, they both went to spend the last night with there Newborn foal.

    Chapter 1
    A New beginning.


    Daiken let out a long drawn out sigh. His eyes stared out of the cave Into the darkness, Smoke In the distance. Standing up, he went outside over looking the southern Lakes. "Maryann," Daiken nickered, his head turning from Right to left In search of the fairy. "Yes, Daiken?" Maryann asked, landing gently onto his back, In a side saddle position. "Yes, Maryann, I want you to go to the Northern Villages. the Folk are new, but very curious. make sure they do not harm the animals." Daiken smiled as Maryann left, stretching his wings, he tucked them In and began Into a trot, heading towards the Eastern Herds. Daiken was not an average creature, he had Wings like a Dragons; and feet like a gryphons, Talons and all. He had a wolf like tail; and the build of a horse. He had vines growing down from his Unicorn horn; that covered his entire body. He had baby blue eyes, and ruled the forest, his father and mother he had never met. "Daiken! Daiken!" A small young fairy ran over, her Clothes tattered and her hair matted. "Lujen (Loo-Jin), where have you been?" Daiken questioned, staring crossly at the fairy. "The Eastern herd! There under attack, the Mountain lions are moving!"

    (thats all for now, not even a page. how sad. : < This Is only in the early stages, editing later.)

    Form;

    Notes to form- Please rate It on a 1 to 10 scale, but leave Notes of what you like / dislike.
    1= Are you kidding me? Twilights just as good as this. pretty bad but.. still fan's will go nuts for your work.
    2= A bit better then twilight, keep going.
    3= Your getting there..
    4= Put some more Effort Into It, you can do better.
    5= This Is getting to a decent level, but I still don't "Love" It and would NOT buy a copy. I could spend my money on twilight, for petes sake.
    6= Yup, I like this.
    7= Just a bit more!
    8= this Is a great story and deserves Fans
    9= WRITE MORE. WRITE MORE =D
    10= Ohmyword! This story DESERVES TO be Published! Gosh! how do you write this good?!?!

    Characters Names: Did I choose good names, or do I need to make better ones?
    Plot: Is The Plot good, far fetched, or just plain bad?
    Characters: Are they well balanced, or should they simmer down In there powers? Are there too many Sad pasts, or too little? What should be some new additions? Ideas?
    Introducing the characters: Did i do It In a good way? Please leave ideas of how I could do It better and what you liked / disliked about Introducing them.
    Ideas for the form: Seriously I can't think of anything. please place Ideas If you have any. =P
    Over all Feedback / Extra notes:




    -

    I hope you enjoyed the story so far, I will write more and no, a chapter will not be 1 page long. I do want to make chapters long (Like, 10 pages or so) So please don't tell me this. I know what a chapter Is.

    Also.. about the form.. this was on a site area that people actually dislike twilight. so yeah...

    and I'd really like It If you actually leave notes on the Form, not just rate it by numbers. the numbers on the scale of 1 - 10 was meant for the over all rating.

    + I know I got a bit overboard on the form,.. like always I was hyper!
    "You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you."
    -Dale Carnegie

  2. #2
    Soccerchamp098 Guest

    Default Re: Just another Artist In the making..

    I really won't exactly say it but I think let's just say I love it more than I loved Harry Potter when I was nine ... so in other words, it's not as good as Twilight (and that's just because I am one of the most pickest people ever), but it definatly has the potential to be better than Twilight ... just + a vampire ... kidding, kidding, only kidding xD

    Character Names are very interesting and unique ... I love unique names! I always like to have unique names in stories, so I think you did amazing with the names (:

    I love a good make-you-cry story, so I love the whole sadness thing ... it's nice to cry it out sometimes (:

    The characters were introduced fairly well, so overall I think you've done a great job so far (:

    Keep writing! (:

  3. #3
    Lilhorselover's Avatar
    Lilhorselover is offline Explorer
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    Default Re: Just another Artist In the making..

    Love your story! I'd give it a 6 and a half. xD
    There are three kinds of people in this world: Those whom can count, and those who can't.

  4. #4
    Sparrow is offline Explorer
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    Default Re: Just another Artist In the making..

    Awesome! I'd five this about a seven or so. Great job!

  5. #5
    Labradollie's Avatar
    Labradollie is offline Explorer
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    Default Re: Just another Artist In the making..

    I'd give it a...oh...a 7?

    Characters Names: Very unique, not your every day Sara.
    Plot: No, it doesn't sound far-fetched, it sounds unique. Nothing is far-fetched in the writing world.
    Characters: Perfect.
    Introducing the characters: Ya, I love the introductions like you did with Daiken.
    Ideas for the form: No...nope, not really.
    Over all Feedback / Extra notes: I'd add more to your sections, but you already said you were going to edit it. ^^
    Also, don't put a capital letter on a common noun, or after a comma. They're aren't special, and commas aren't periods. ;]

  6. #6
    Sophia is offline Newbie Explorer
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    Default Re: Just another Artist In the making..

    I'd give it an 8!
    I really like the plot and the names are different (in a good way)
    The introduction was helpful and got me into it.
    overall good job! keep writing!

  7. #7
    Kuseria's Avatar
    Kuseria is offline Explorer
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    Default Re: Just another Artist In the making..

    I'd give it a 6! ((Actually, you shouldn't have wrote that about Twilight, it hurts some of us who like it...)) But the story is very creative and good!

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