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  1. #1
    Nizzix's Avatar
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    Default <--Deep Below--> {Introductions}

    If only she hadn't helped that little squirrel? She began to think what she should have done earlier through the day. Through the days and imposed calculations of different types of animals crammed into her head she would have been fine. As usual she was daydreaming... now when she daydreams it's about racing usually. Her father took her racing on a dirt bike and enjoyed it so much that she went to every motorcross competition! Things where being strange for Daniel as he walked back home grudgingly. His eyes flickered towards the towering lights of the tall streelights that seemed to be turned on, signaling to Daniel that it's soon to be 7:00. Daniel's dog Patty is a cute female Maltese with a small inheritance over winning his mom with the work of arts potty trained doggy. Alice placed her homework on top of the desk with a strange look coming over her face as she gazed out the window. There seemed to be a bird, a strange bird with beady brilliant sky blue eyes. Alice focused and stared at it in awe at the pretty white bodied bird with a small black spot on the right wing. "Why is the bird staring at me like I'm dumb?" Alice thought curiously. Patty barked at him excitedly and tried to jump on him unsuccessfully. "Hey Patty!" Daniel cried out in joy as he patted Patty earnestly as he picked her up and headed towards his front door. Daniel already knew his mom was not home seeing as how she had work and how imprefect she can be when it comes to being punctual.

    It's not that great, but I tried at least... if you can give me tips on how it can be better that will be great!

  2. #2
    chase123456tan's Avatar
    chase123456tan is offline Master Gamer
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    Default Re: <--Deep Below--> {Introductions}

    Hmmm....Give it a biginning.Itroduce the characters,see if you can make a picture with words,heres an example.
    Misty walked up to her cottage door,her long white hair flowed over her shoulders as she carried a bag of groceries from the market.Her cottage wasn't big,nor small,it was perfect.Misty was about 28 and waiting for Mr.Right.But she loved animals more.A couple hours later,Lily and her went to Callie Coffee's Shop and met the new police office.There was a large black horse with white mane standing outside the door.And Misty just jumped to the words.
    "Well hello!What a hunk you are!"Misty said,gazing at the horse.
    "Misty!"Lily said,shaking her best friend.
    "Sorry,she just really loves animals..."Lily started.
    "Its fine,I get that alot with Sarge,"the police offer said.
    "Shes Lily and I'm Misty,"Misty said,smiling.
    "I'm Nick Kahora,the new police officer.This is Sargeant Douglas,but I call him Sarge,"Nick said,smiling.
    _________________________________________________________________ ________________________

    Theres an example.Don't half to do it exactly like that if you don't want too.But I just figured it.
    KATAANG
    I'm taking the Timeless Isle for the GEAR!
    Beware, Thunder King, nobody is safe from my monk.

  3. #3
    Nizzix's Avatar
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    Default Re: <--Deep Below--> {Introductions}

    Thanks!!!!

  4. #4
    Princess Claire's Avatar
    Princess Claire is offline Master Gamer
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    Default Re: <--Deep Below--> {Introductions}

    This is fairly good writing (: My tips would to be only use one character per chapter to help from confusion. Maddy is right, it would be nice to give a little introduction, like her example. Just make sure not to fill it up with facts, don't forget the writing (:

    "Know therefore that the LORD your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments..." -Deuteronomy 7:9


  5. #5
    Nizzix's Avatar
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    Default Re: <--Deep Below--> {Introductions}

    Thank You! This will help me with my writing in school as well, which is great. *o*
    Last edited by Nizzix; 10-24-2011 at 07:27 AM.
    http://i1138.photobucket.com/albums/n534/titanshay/Siggy20Style20-1-1.jpgThank You chase123456tan for creating my siggy!

  6. #6
    Nizzix's Avatar
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    Default Re: <--Deep Below--> {Introductions}

    Here is a revised Version:

    Alice Powers, 16 years old, drives a beat up truck, and a cowgirl is the only one around in her town that has a brain. For one thing she discovered the true nature of the mayor which everyone were paying attention to their crops. Through the days and imposed calculations of different types of animals crammed into her head she would have been fine. As usual she was daydreaming... now when she daydreams it's about racing usually. Her father took her racing on a dirt bike and enjoyed it so much that she went to every motorcross competition.
    Even that sometimes make her feel as silly as possible seeing as how they should save up their money for a more need like a disaster that was to happen. Seeing as how Alice thought it was possible for her to finish her homework after coming back to from school, Kensington Jr. High, its a old school with old wooden chairs and fixed tables (Well they always need a fixin') with cracked chalk boards, the school is as poor as a hobo and have been tryin' to get white boards for the school. Alice placed her homework on top of the desk with a strange look coming over her face as she gazed out the window. There seemed to be a bird, a strange bird with beady brilliant sky blue eyes. Alice focused and stared at it in awe at the pretty white bodied bird with a small black spot on the right wing. "Why is the bird staring at me like I'm dumb?" Alice thought curiously. The bird stared at her intently before flying away, Alice shrugged her shoulders and placed her homework in the 'homework bin'.
    http://i1138.photobucket.com/albums/n534/titanshay/Siggy20Style20-1-1.jpgThank You chase123456tan for creating my siggy!

  7. #7
    chase123456tan's Avatar
    chase123456tan is offline Master Gamer
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    Default Re: <--Deep Below--> {Introductions}

    omg a girl go to my school and her last name is powers that is such a quinceidence
    KATAANG
    I'm taking the Timeless Isle for the GEAR!
    Beware, Thunder King, nobody is safe from my monk.

  8. #8
    Nizzix's Avatar
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    Default Re: <--Deep Below--> {Introductions}

    Serious?! Thats Neat!
    http://i1138.photobucket.com/albums/n534/titanshay/Siggy20Style20-1-1.jpgThank You chase123456tan for creating my siggy!

  9. #9
    chase123456tan's Avatar
    chase123456tan is offline Master Gamer
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    Default Re: <--Deep Below--> {Introductions}

    IM SERIOUS SRSLY
    KATAANG
    I'm taking the Timeless Isle for the GEAR!
    Beware, Thunder King, nobody is safe from my monk.

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