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Title: The creature of the night

  1. #1
    Lilah Dimdal's Avatar
    Lilah Dimdal is offline Pro Gamer
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    Default The creature of the night

    Zayla's mom tucked her into bed. Zayla was only a tweeny five year old. She had long blonde hair with black highlights. Zayla hugged her mother and said good night. She then lied in bed with her eyes open, scared of what was out there in the world.
    Zayla slept until she heard a faint scream that came closer, and closer. Zayla remembered to breathe in blue skies and breathe out gray skies. She knew that to calm herself down. The screaming stopped then came out a yell of, ''Zayla! Zayla! Help me! Help! Run and Hide sweety! Hurry! Hurry before the, the, the Thing comes! Swe--'' All of a sudden the voice dropped. Zayla ran into her closet through the secret door. She sat behind the hidden door and waited for her mother to enter the room. ''Momma! Momma! MOMMA! Where are you!'' No one answered in the deep dark night. Zayla finally then heard her door handle turn. The door opened in a loud squeak. Zayla then saw the horrified image. Nothing other then a black-eyed, blood sucking creature entered her room. Zayla saw the red smear on the face. The creature said, ''Come out, come out where ever you are! I will protect you, save your mother, and make you one of us!'' Zayla answered, ''NO! YOU GIVE ME MY MOMMA BACK YOU JERK!'' The noise fooled the creature and so the creature left the room out the window. Zayla crawled out of the secret door.
    Zayla ran to her mother who was lying on the floor, hopeless. Zayla said a faithful prayer, ''Oh dear god! Please help my mother! I want her to stay with me! Are those mean angels going to block her out of heaven? Please let her in! She even has a ticket that I made for her! Please! I don't think she meant to force those gross carrots down my throat! She is a good woman! I want her back so if you don't give me her back then I will go up there to heaven myself and bring her back down here! Don't you make me do that--- or else!'' Zayla was sobbing while speaking the prayer.



    I will write more until I get some good reviews I will add the full chapter here
    Gummybearzrawr likes this.
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    ❀ Smell the sweet scent of nature
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  2. #2
    Gummybearzrawr's Avatar
    Gummybearzrawr is offline Master Gamer
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    Default Re: The creature of the night

    Looks good Can't wait for the next part.

    Go fellow writer!

    You should check out my story c:?

    EDIT: Are you open to pointers?

    IGN~Gummy
    ßear

  3. #3
    Lollipop's Avatar
    Lollipop is offline Master Gamer
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    Default Re: The creature of the night

    Interesting...The plot thickens!

    "There's some good in this world... and it's worth fighting for." -Samwise Gamgee

  4. #4
    Lilah Dimdal's Avatar
    Lilah Dimdal is offline Pro Gamer
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    Default Re: The creature of the night

    Thanks guys!

    Gummy- Sure I wouldn't mind an edit or two Besides, it makes me a better writer I saw your prologue and OMG i'm quenching to see the full story!
    Lolli- Thanks!
    [IMG]http://i43.tinypic.com/23s6mu0.jpg/IMG]
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  5. #5
    Gummybearzrawr's Avatar
    Gummybearzrawr is offline Master Gamer
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    Default Re: The creature of the night

    Dun...
    dun...


    DUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!

    EDIT: I shall look through le story

    EDIT#2: When a character talks, try to put the
    dialogue in a separate "paragraph". It makes it easier to read, in my opinion.

    EX. The banana walked up to the apple with undeniable swagger.

    "What the Harold is wrong with you?" the Apple said, looking at the banana with disgust.

    The banana smiled. "Everything."

    Also, try mixing up her name a bit, instead of saying Zayla all the time, say "the girl" or "she" or "the frightened girl" or something to change it up.

    I'm not sure if I sound mean or not.. I'm bad with pointers xD...

    EDIT#3: I really like your writing style, btw.
    Last edited by Gummybearzrawr; 10-16-2013 at 07:24 PM.

    IGN~Gummy
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