Play Free Realms NowJoin Free Realms Insider

Results 1 to 6 of 6
  1. #1
    pony12211 is offline Explorer
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Posts
    86

    Icon1 Book: 1 the antcient warrior ponys

    Along long time ago there where some ponys sent to war against the evil nightmare. No one knew his name but feared under his power. Some of the ponys say that the nightmare was sending all ponys that were against him to the fire whip. The fire whip is a long whip that turned int to fire and when ever a pony was inside the cage... the fire whip would turn on and beat the pony until it would drop to it's knees. Many ponys did not survive this punishment. Any ways lets get back to the storie. One day when the war was still going a young colt was born but not just a day the day of the star celebration. Ever so hundreds of years the star would make a shape of a pony and shooting stars would fall from the sky. To many of the ponys it was a sign a sign that a pony would take down the evil nightmare forever. And thats what just happened a young colt named Brave star was born. His mother and father were so proud that they had a son. As years past and the war still going young Brave star was going up.

    Hunter father of Brave star: Brave star come on home your dinner is ready!

    Hunter: ( yelling) Brave star! where is that colt now!

    In the market of horseshoe

    Brave star: ( laughing) come on you guys!

    Saddle a friend of Brave star: wait up!

    Silver another friend of Brave star: yeah wait! I don't see what the big rush is.

    Brave star: ( hooves pound on the ground as running) Today is the day!

    Saddle and Silver: What day?!

    Brave star: The day Ms. Golden apple gives away free apple pie!

    Saddle and Silver: oh

    Ms. Golden apple is the baker pony: ( see the young foals running toward her) Oh good morning you three your early.

    Brave star: ( breaths heavy trying to catch breath) We... came... for the pie.

    Ms. Golden apple: ( giggles ) did you now? well I have a fresh apple pies one for each of you.

    Ms. Golden apple: ( gives each of the young foals a pie) Here you go have a nice day.

    Brave star: ( starts trotting back home ) See i told you that was worth it. XP

    Silver: yeah ok that's was worth it.

    Saddle: OMG! I have to get home cya.

    Silver: yea me too! cya Brave star.

    Brave star: bye

    Brave star: ( hears father calling him) UH-OH coming dad!

    Well that's it for now cause I have to go to school but I will be back to make more. Oh yea plz write a comment on what you thought so far thx.Attachment 49822

  2. #2
    chase123456tan's Avatar
    chase123456tan is offline Master Gamer
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Posts
    2,730

    Default Re: Book: 1 the antcient warrior ponys

    Amazing.
    I like it.
    But instead of saying
    Brave Star: Okay! I'll be there
    you could say
    "Okay! I'll be there," Brave Star said.

    I love reading these stories <3
    KATAANG
    I'm taking the Timeless Isle for the GEAR!
    Beware, Thunder King, nobody is safe from my monk.

  3. #3
    pony12211 is offline Explorer
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Posts
    86

    Default Re: Book: 1 the antcient warrior ponys

    thanks for the tip and i will

  4. #4
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Posts
    921

    Default Re: Book: 1 the antcient warrior ponys

    I like the premise of the story! However, I would work on your grammar and spelling because it's a little hard to read sometimes. Try and go back over and proof read what you write. You're dialog could also use some work. When a character says something, instead of putting their name and a colon before their words, try and incorporate their dialog into the story and use quotation marks. For instance, instead of saying:

    "Brave star: ( breaths heavy trying to catch breath) We... came... for the pie.

    Ms. Golden apple: ( giggles ) did you now? well I have a fresh apple pies one for each of you."


    , you could say:

    "We... came... for the pie, " said Brave Star, panting between each word. Ms. Golden Apple giggled. "Did you now? Well, I have a fresh apple pie for each of you!"

    Hopefully I helped some! Keep it up!


    "Sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."

    -Lewis
    Carroll





  5. #5
    pony12211 is offline Explorer
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Posts
    86

    Default Re: Book: 1 the antcient warrior ponys

    thanks for the tip i am still new at making stories and you really like it?

  6. #6
    chase123456tan's Avatar
    chase123456tan is offline Master Gamer
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Posts
    2,730

    Default Re: Book: 1 the antcient warrior ponys

    Yup.
    Did you see my post on the other thread?
    KATAANG
    I'm taking the Timeless Isle for the GEAR!
    Beware, Thunder King, nobody is safe from my monk.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •